Lower Lows, Higher Highs

In response to your proven -and predicted- failure to meet expectations you have been automatically enrolled in Lapis Capital's premier performance improvement plan, Lower Lows, Higher Highs. As you commit to excellence over the next 5 weeks you will face escalating profit targets, chaotic market conditions, and disruptive office events, but don't worry - the Lower Lows, Higher Highs system will equip you with everything you need to take the profit you deserve and more.

• Stock, Commodity, and Alternative Asset Charts with independent market conditions and price action.

• Predictive Continuation, Reversal, and Wildcard Patterns with real time likelihood and trade count statistics.

• Rare Hero and Zero Candlesticks that provide unique effects when captured in a trade.

• Synergistic KnickKnacks that multiply your trade profits -and losses- a thousand fold.

• Gourmet M5 canned food rations used to bribe a human-ape hybrid into manipulating the market in your favor.

• Terminal Modification Device Cartridges that personalize your workstation's capabilities and turn your cubicle into a home away from home.

• Health boosting Cigarettes that experts suggest improve vitality, vigor, and verve.

• Non-addictive Victory Lapis slot machine with stimulating light AND sound.

• Vocational PTO token exchange program to broaden professional horizons.

• Unique Employees representing a diverse array of experiences and lifestyles.

• Success-celebrating Anniversary Year difficulty levels, each introducing a complimentary hazardous spin to your favorite trading tools.

• Dynamic performance based Goals that preemptively correct laurel-resting evolutionary tendencies.

Today marks not the end, but the beginning, of your profit-seeking journey.

We look forward to your expectation compliance.

Remember, here at Lapis Capital...

 “Profit... No Matter The Cost!”

- Victor Lapis, Founder